Blurry
by RickyRemembers
Summary: Sometimes, the things you hate are the only things that you have left to love. DracoHarry Angst.


**Blurry**

_AN: This is an angsty one shot. Angst, angst and more angst. Because angst is good. Some parts of it don't make that much sense, but I think it's pretty good as a whole. The song used here is Blurry by Puddle of Mud. Enjoy, and leave some reviews! _

Lying in his bed at 2 o'clock in the morning should have seemed perfectly normal for Harry Potter. Everything should have been fine. He was in his house, in his room, in his life, in his bed, trying to sleep. Perfectly normal.

Only he was alone. And that most certainly wasn't normal. The house was empty and deserted all expect for himself. Once, another person had occupied this house, this bed. Once, not so long ago, there had been someone here with him that made this place home.

But he wasn't here anymore.

_Everything's so blurry  
__And everyone's so fake  
__And everybody's empty  
__And everything is so messed up_

Harry sighed and got out of bed, something he never used to do in the middle of the night. Not if it meant leaving those perfectly sculpted arms that held him so tight. Harry sat down at his dresser, looking at himself in the mirror.

Who was that, sitting in front of him? He didn't even know anymore. You know how sometimes when you read a story everything gets so messed up that there's no way it can ever be good again? Sometimes things just can't go back to the way they were now that so much crap has happened. Sighing again, Harry turned to look out the window.

He hadn't slept in weeks. There were big dark circled under his eyes and he looked 50 years older than he really was. The worst part was that he wasn't tired at all. It seemed that if he couldn't be near the blond whom he'd spent the last 3 years of his life next to than he couldn't sleep at all. He couldn't even function properly.

He was addicted to the blond headed, Slytherin prince. He curled up his hands into fists, becoming angry with himself again. What was so special about him anyway? Other than the fact that he'd been the only one to ever actually love Harry, other than the fact that they'd both given up everything to be together.

There was life before Draco, and there would be life after Draco.

_Pre-occupied without you  
__I cannot live at all  
__My whole world surrounds you  
__I stumble then I crawl_

Harry slammed his fist into the table, cracking it straight down the center. He felt his eyes tear up for what was probably the hundredth time since Draco had left and he collapsed onto the floor.

How had things gotten so screwed up? When had he become so dependant on Draco for everything? When had he become such a crybaby?

He wiped at his frustrated face and tried to stop crying, but found once again that he couldn't. He lay there calling out to Draco in his mind, the same was he always had whenever he had needed him. He knew it was a futile effort. Draco had been gone for 3 months now, and he had shown no sign of wanting to come back. He'd had his house elf's get his things for him, and he'd refused to accept owls from Harry. He'd shut him out completely, as though he never wanted to see him again. And even all those times that Harry whispered to him in his mind Draco deemed no answer and refused to even acknowledge his presence.

Harry continued to cry and call out, if only to keep the hope he had left from dying. His heart seemed to still believe that if he called out long enough and thought about it hard enough, Draco would hear him and come back. It was all the hope he had left, his only reason for living.

_You could be my someone  
__You could be my scene  
__You know that I'll protect you  
__From all of the obscene_

He continued crying, laying in a crumbled ball on the floor. He wondered when he'd screwed things up beyond repair. For a long time, things had been good. When they'd gotten together, their relationship had been anything but happy. It was more reluctant than either one of them would have admitted.

But once they'd gotten past their childhood rivalry, things had gone much more smoothly. They'd each seen a side of the other that they had never even realized existed. Draco had seen Harry become protective and compassionate, and Harry had seen Draco become vulnerable. It had bonded them together with more love than either had ever experienced.

It wasn't long before they were openly in love, letting the tabloids have a field day. The headlines read "Auror team Harry and Draco in Love" for more than a month. It wasn't long before they'd wanted to move in together. Harry however could not bare the thought of living at Malfoy manor, and Draco had no intention of living at Grimauld, so they had bought their own house. It had been more of a home than either one had ever had before.

And that was where Harry was now. He was lying in their room of the large house that they had made a home, waiting for Draco to come back. And knowing he wouldn't.

_I wonder what you're doing  
__Imagine where you are  
__There's oceans in between us  
__But that's not very far_

Harry was oblivious to the presence in the room. He didn't even notice someone was there until they came into sight.

"For pity's sake Harry, stop crying." He heard the voice say as it sat down on the bed. Harry froze. It sounded like him. But it couldn't be. Despite all the hope he had, his mind knew that it couldn't be him.

"You're not real." Harry decided out loud. "Go away. Draco doesn't care."

He heard a sigh echo around the room and realized belatedly that it had not come from him.

"Never thought I'd drive you to insanity Potter. It's bloody cold in here; don't you know the meaning of heat?" The voice scolded, and Harry thought for a minute that perhaps he wasn't imagining things.

"Draco?" He questioned, becoming silent. He heard a rustling of paper and a lighter snap and the smell of smoke filled the room.

"Who else is it going to be? Got some love bunny I don't know about hidden around here?" His voice was playful, but regretful. It also had a hollow sound to it and an edge of anger as well. It was a strange mixture to hear coming from the blond, and Harry hadn't heard anything like it since Hogwarts days.

"What're you doing here?" Harry asked, finally sitting up. Draco was sitting on the bed dressed in jeans and a t-shirt smoking a cigarette and looking at Harry was a mixture of love, pity and hate.

"You asked me to come." Draco said clearly, never dropping his gaze. Harry nodded, unable to decide what to do.

A part of him wanted to go to Draco and snuggle up against him like everything was okay. But the other part of him knew it wasn't that easy and wanted to shut down and be as icy and stony as Draco was being. Either way, he knew nothing would ever get accomplished and they'd probably just end up fighting again, leaving Harry in more agony then he already was.

After a while, all he could manage to say was "I did."

_Can you take it all away?  
__Can you take it all away?  
__Well you shoved it in my face  
__This pain you gave to me  
__Can you take it all away?  
__Can you take it all away?  
__Well you shoved it my face…_

Draco continued to sit there starring at him until his cigarette was almost done. He walked over to the cracked dresser where there was still an ashtray for Draco's bad habit and put the cigarette out. He then proceeded to run his fingers over to newly made crack, Harry watching him the entire time.

"I see you haven't changed much." He said sarcastically, referring to the furnishings and items scattered around the room. Harry shrugged. It was probably just the way it was when Draco left; cloths scattered over the floor, both their items on the dresser and night stand. Harry sniffed and didn't reply, looking down at his hands.

Draco sighed again. Harry could feel him getting closer and before he knew it the blond's feet were right in front of him. Harry didn't look up as Draco sat down. Draco mirrored his position, fixing Harry with a pointed stare.

"Are you this miserable?" He whispered at last. Harry looked up at him with a glare.

"What do you think? And your not." He said coldly, watching Draco's perfectly practiced look of calmness. Draco sighed again, pulling away a little.

"No Harry, I'm not." He whispered. Harry felt his heart sink once again. It didn't just do that. Whatever was left of it shattered into oblivion, leaving Harry in an emotionless shell. A long silence drifted between the two, and Draco reached up to push his hair back from his face. Harry was resisting the urge to cry as Draco spoke again.

"I'm worse."

_Everyone is changing  
__There's no one left that's real  
__To make up your own ending  
__And let me know just how you feel_

Harry's head snapped up at Draco's words and he searched Draco's face, growing increasingly more frustrated with Draco's look of nonchalance.

"What are you talking about?" His voice cracked and Draco's face softened. He flopped backwards on the floor, lying on his back, and Harry couldn't see the expression on his face.

"Do you know what it's like to listen to you call me every night and be too stubborn to answer? Or to have to see you at work and not be able to go up to you. To be trapped in Malfoy manor without a friend in the world. It's torture Harry. Sometimes I think I enjoy it in some twisted way, because I can never bring myself to give in. I've missed this place terribly." His voice had softened a great deal as he voiced his real feelings but it was still somewhat hollow and without meaning.

Harry blinked, comprehending. He shifted a little to look at Draco's face, but the blond's eyes were closed. Harry closed his eyes as well, replaying in his mind what Draco had just said.

"_You're_ the one who wouldn't answer me. _You're_ the one who asked to change teams at work. _You're_ the one who moved out." He said, putting a great deal of hate into the word _you're_.

With each word Draco winced as though in physical pain, and Harry was almost glad. It had been mostly Draco's fault after all.

"Stop that." Draco commanded, anger rising in his face as his eyes opened. "It was just as much your fault as it was mine." He growled.

Harry did stop enjoying making Draco angry and guilty, but he didn't stop doing it. In his mind he kept repeating the phrase _we're really screwed up_ over and over. Draco sat up and brought them face to face again.

"Yes. We are." He decided.

_Cause I am lost without you  
__I cannot live at all  
__My whole world surrounds you  
__I stumble then I crawl_

They sat with their faces level to each other, looking at each other with matching looks. Finally, Harry gently reached out and grabbed Draco's hand, squeezing hard.

"Draco… I miss you." He whispered, trying to find anything that could make their situation better.

Draco pulled his hand away and stood. "Yes well, maybe you should have thought of that before." He said icily. Harry's mouth dropped and his blood boiled. He too stood up.

"ME?" He shouted. "I wasn't the one who started this!" He said crossly. Draco rolled his eyes.

"And I was?" He shouted back. "Admit it Harry, your to clingy for your own good. You put us both on some kind of twisted pedestal. Things don't last forever." Draco spat, turning.

"Some things are supposed to!" Harry shot back, advancing on Draco and grabbing his arm. "Like us!"

"Like us?! We were never even meant to be Harry, let alone be together!" Draco huffed, trying to tug his arm out of Harry's grip. "Look at who we are! Your Harry Fucking Potter! You honestly think our lives would be so simple? That's a lie Harry, and you know it!"

"And Your Draco Fucking Malfoy! If I was fooling myself, what exactly were you doing? Playing around with me, like some toy you can manipulate until it ceases to amuse you!" He shouted, pulling Draco too him. They were much to close now, and Harry's pulse quickened from something that wasn't anger.

"It was a lie Harry. It wasn't real. You never loved me, and I never loved you." Draco said at last, in a normal voice. They had both calmed down and Harry's death grip on Draco's arm had become just a gentle hold.

Harry felt his eyes tear again and he looked at Draco in disbelief. "How can you say that?"

_You could be my someone  
__You could be my scene  
__You know that I will save you  
__From all of the unclean  
__I wonder what you're doing  
__I wonder where you are  
__There's oceans in between us  
__But that's not very far_

"It's the truth." Was Draco's response. Harry shook his head.

"It's not, and you know it! You think I've been fooling myself?" A tear slid down his cheek as he became angry again, and he started shaking in hysteria. "I love you, you idiot! And you love me! You're just too stubborn to admit it! After everything… we've been through. I can't believe that you are this insecure! You…" Harry swallowed hard, barely holding his emotions at bay.

Draco pulled away from him hard and turned away, this time walking in the direction of the bed. "Gods Harry. What do we have? What can you honestly say that we have together?" He said, sitting on the bed and burying his head in his hands. Harry starred at him for a long minute. "I'm nothing without you, but I'm nothing with you too. We've destroyed each other Harry. What do we have left?"

Harry walked over to him slowly and as he approached Draco looked up. Harry carefully sat down on Draco and straddled him, almost relieved what he saw how shiny Draco's eyes were with unshed tears. He laced his arms around Draco's neck, while Draco's hands rested on Harry's legs.

"You have me." He whispered. "And I have you."

_Nobody told me what you thought  
__Nobody told me what to say  
__Everyone showed you where to turn  
__Told you when to runaway  
__Nobody told you where to hide  
__Nobody told you what to say  
__Everyone showed you where to turn  
__Showed you when to runaway_

Tears rolled down both their cheeks, and Harry moved in to kiss him. He pressed his lips to Draco's in a hungry, needy kiss. Draco returned it, slowing the pace down as he brought his hands to Harry's face. Draco gently pushed Harry away despite his protests.

"It's not real Harry…" Draco tried to say, but Harry shushed him.

"For once Draco, let me decide what best for us. Let me be the one. You know why we're nothing when we're apart? It's because we only matter when we're together." He whispered before pressing his lips to Draco's in a tiny kiss. When Harry pulled away he was surprised to see Draco grin and burry his head in Harry's chest.

"I love you, shit head." Draco breathed while crying into Harry's shirt and Harry smiled.

"I love you too, you prat." He said back just as tearfully. They held each other for a long time, until the more curious part of Harry pulled away.

"Why didn't you just come back and talk to me? We could have had this conversation a long time ago." He kidded, leaning his head against Draco's.

Draco looked back at him, unsmiling. "I didn't want to." He said at last, and when he didn't elaborate Harry gave him a questioning look. "I didn't want to be a part of you. All we do sometimes Harry… it cause each other pain."

_Can you take it all away?  
__Can you take it all away?  
__Well you shoved it in my face  
__This pain you gave to me  
__Can you take it all away?  
__Can you take it all away?  
__Well you shoved it my face  
__This pain you give to me…_

"The pain we cause each other when we're together is better than the pain we cause each other when we're apart." Harry said gently, bitterly remembering all the nights from the past few months.

Tiredly, Draco nodded. For the first time since Draco left him he began to feel tired again. Draco seemed to sense this as well.

"Harry?" He said gently, leaning his head against Harry's. "Can we talk about this in the morning? 'm tired." He mumbled.

Harry nodded and they both crawled into the bed. They cuddled up to one another, both feeling more tired than they could ever remember, and both to happy to be back in the others arms.

Harry leaned over to kiss Draco again, feeling relieved. There would always be tomorrow to discuss everything that was wrong with them. There would always be another day. There would always be tomorrow to put things off till. Tomorrow would never have to come so long as they were together. Tomorrow didn't even matter. There would _always_ be another day.

_Maybe, just maybe_… Harry thought, _we aren't as screwed up as we thought we were._

"Maybe." Draco agreed tiredly. "Just Maybe."

_You take it all  
__You take it all away...  
__Explain again to me  
__You take it all away  
__Explain again to me  
__Take it all away  
__Explain again..._


End file.
